Wednesday, April 8, 2009

And she's back

Better late than never? I did make it to the half marathon on March 28th. I ran 2:26:01 (11:09 pace). It was cold and windy. I should have posted a race report, but I didn't feel like it. Still don't, really.

I've been in a bad spot. The kind of spot where you feel like talking to no one and doing nothing. This is a hard thing for me...the eternal optimist, the glass half-full girl, the person everyone in my college sociology class called Pollyanna. I should be able to adjust my rose-colored glasses and move on, but instead, not being able to talk myself out of a funk just makes it worse.

It is amazing that the things most likely to help me work through sad stuff are the last things I feel like doing....when I need it most. Soooo. Trying to dig out of the hole here... I made myself do yoga for an hour last night. I made myself read a chapter in the book "Broken Open." I hugged every single resident today. I'm making myself write.

I can't even think what to write about or why I'm in such a funk. There really isn't any one reason. I guess it's just a lot of little things like the phone ringing at 4am, crappy families not taking care of their elders, and missing my sister. Usually the little things don't add up to one bad sad scary Carrie, but sometimes I don't let my coping skills do their job. I stop letting things go and just keep piling it on. Why do I do that? I've read the books. I know better.

So, here's what I think the deal is. I already have this precarious pile of shit I've refused to let go of for some unknown reason....and then people start dying. I know I work with old people and that they are going to die. But knowing that doesn't make me miss them any less when they are gone. And no matter what, you are never, ever, ever ready to walk into someone's apartment and find them dead on the floor. And having to tell their family? Yeah, well, they don't teach you how to do that in Assisted Living 101.

Lucy died, too. I'm happy for her, because she was ready...but, I already miss hearing her gravely voice. We have another resident on hospice and they've called her family to be with her tonight, so tomorrow probably won't be very happy, either. (At least that will be the magic number three everyone here keeps yakking about.)

But, the more things change the more they stay the same! As I am sitting here writing this, Pearl came in to let me know she was robbed last night. If I don't do something about finding her 15 dollars and costume jewelry, she's calling the sheriff first thing in the morning. Aha!!
Things are getting back to normal....


Erik said...

Hang in there Carrie.

I for one have missed your witty musings and wonderfully written stories. I hope things get better for you. I for one, will be here waiting to hear what the sheriff had to say. :)


HC said...

Awwww, I just want to give you a big hug!

I think it's amazing that you handle the passing of your residents (and friends) as well as you do, and it's only natural that sometimes it'll just get to be too much. They are so, so lucky to have you. I'm glad you're trying to care for yourself in the ways your brain knows you should, even if your heart isn't in it. I hope the funk starts to lift soon!

chirunner said...

Thanks for taking the time to write even when you don't want to. I can't imagine doing your job and I'm grateful there are people like you in the world -- grateful for your residents and their families. Hope you feel like your old "glass half full" self soon.

Diana said...

It's great therapy to let the verbal vomit just spill out for all us to read and help you with!
I lost one of my favorite patients just this past weekend and I too know what you're going through. My next week of work will not be the same without her there. We had many years of laughter and fun and for that I will always remember and be grateful for her being a part of my life! I've lost a lot of the "frequent flyers" and we call them in the hospital this past year and I think of each one every time I run. One mile for each person-makes the run fun and therapeutic!
Hang in there! Health care is rough, but so rewarding! :-)

Sarah said...

yeah - I want to give you a hug too. But I'm sure the sheriff can take that do that for you!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I think you've earned the right to be in a funk, sister. Some things you just can't slap a smiley face on top of and pretend they're okay.

And when people die, you should feel bad. That's how we know they mattered. That's not something you should be trying to speed through. Feel the pain first, before you try to get past it.

I do hope you start feeling better soon, though! I miss your more regularly-scheduled posts!

Marna said...

Thinking of you, and sending you hugs from far away :(

Carolina John said...

hang in there. too many people call me polyanna. **hugs**