It's an Epidemic

Well, well, well.

Naomi (who is dead) stole a set of sheets from Gladys.

Fanny is missing a $25 ice-cream scoop (seriously, like any one of these depression-era residents would spend that kind of money on anything? Not believing it.) She is also missing a nutcracker.*

Joseph reported someone took all the money from his wallet.

And Pearl is missing a skirt, that she knows was in her apartment just an hour before it "went missing." Someone who works here probably took it because it was really expensive and would make a nice gift. Keep in mind that Pearl had several things stolen from her last week, too, including her dead husband's masonic apron. ???

I wonder if it's a coincidence that Gladys, Joseph, and Fanny have been sitting in the lobby with Pearl in the afternoons? I also wonder how many missing item reports in one week would constitute a new record? We just may be on track for that one.

UPDATE: Fanny just came back to tell me she is also missing her hammer. Um, why would....oh nevermind. Nothing here makes much sense this week!



*The word "nutcracker" always makes me snicker. I found it especially amusing when said by a 90-year-old woman. I'm so mature.

The oldest WHAT?

Lucy, a 101-year-old who weighs less than her age, gets bathing assistance each morning. Today, when WorkerBee gave her a soapy washcloth and directed her to wash "down there," Lucy got busy doing the deed and said "Do you know this thing is over a hundred years old?"

"What?" asked WorkerBee a little taken aback.

"Yup. It's the oldest one in here. Still works, too."

Love Abounds

The Universal Law of Attraction. What you put out, you get back. As you think, so it is. Where the focus goes, the energy flows. However said, it is indeed true. My heart has been full since (because of?) my glorious run yesterday, and just look what it attracted!

A sweet 90-year-old resident just brought me a photocopied sheet of paper . "What's this?" I asked.

"Just read it, " she grinned.

"The biggest word in the human vocabulary has only four letters and no definition that's ever been adequate. We love our dogs. We love our children. We love God and chocolate cake. We fall in love and we fall out of love. We die for love, we kill for love. We can't spend it. We can't eat it when we're starving or drink it when we're dying of thirst. But ask most human beings what the value above all else in this life, and five'll get you ten, it's love."

"Where did this come from?" I asked.

"Just a book," she said.

"It's nice," I told her not knowing what else to say and unable to figure out where this was going.

"Yes. Just like you." As she turned to leave, she added "And I love you."

Lunch Time Love

I just spent my lunch hour with a forgotten love. I went for a 6.8 mile run just because. No watch. No worries. No goals. The Trail is paved in an amazing array of jewel-tone leaves, the air is crisp and the sun warm. It smells like autumn. It sounds like autumn. It felt wonderful.

I can't believe I had forgotten you, my love. Thanks for remembering me.

Pearl was just in my office. Why? To report things missing from her apartment, of course. This is an ongoing theme with her, and the supposed stolen items have ranged from ice cream to letter openers to one earring. One earring. Not two. Because those hippie-people type only wear one earring, you know.*

Today, Pearl is missing her dead husband's (this is her description of the poor sucker, not mine) masonic apron, a flashlight from under her bed, a five-dollar bill, a bunch of bananas, and a bag of candy that she says she bought when she moved in (she has lived here for about four years).

I suppose this visual is necessary to fully appreciate what just happened: she walked in here pushing her mondo suitcase-sized handbag on her walker. Pearl doesn't need a walker to ambulate, she needs it to move the handbag. It's huge, absolutely stuffed, and pretty scary.

When I asked her if the missing items could possibly be in her handbag, I truly asked in earnest. I wasn't being sarcastic. I really wasn't! I mean, you should see this thing. It makes Gladys' look like a kiddie purse. She could easily misplace a small child in there, let alone a dumb apron, some bananas and a bag of four-year-old candy. Not to even mention an ugly earring, the flashlight, and a five-dollar bill that probably never existed anyway.

That's why I don't understand how my question of "Could these missing things actually be in your handbag?" pissed her off so much.

She's calling the police right now. On me.


*I know for a fact those "hippie-people" are partial to stealing hand-painted cloisonne daisy clip-ons the size of a half dollar. Right on.

You Can't Get These Just Anywhere...

Shit Happens

Today's theme: Shit.

First Event: Apparently for supper one night we are having shit cupcakes for dessert. At least that is what the weekly menu newsletter says. I guess we're really having white cupcakes, although that clearly isn't what the menu says. (How does someone make a typo like that?!)
I expected the residents to storm my office and demand an explanation (especially Righteous Resident. A REAL cuss word! Gasp!). They surprised me, however. When questioned if they noticed the typo, one resident responded with "We were just going to order them." Hee.


Second Event: Sweet Resident, the nicest and kindest person you could ever meet (and wouldn't say that word if she had a mouthful), said it wasn't such a great day when I asked her how it was going. "Why?" I asked. "Because it started with me shitting in my pants," she replied. While not seemingly funny to those of us who use the word shit on a regular basis, from this Sweetie Pie it was absolutely hilarious. (After I picked my jaw up off the floor!)


Third Event: Some guy called to ask if we had any job openings. The conversation:

Phone Guy: "Yeah, I was wondering if you had any open jobs and shit?"

WorkerBee: "Nothing is currently posted, buy you are welcome to come fill out an application anytime and we'll keep it on file."

Phone Guy: "Ok, well I need to because I've got to find a job and shit. You know, soon and shit."

WorkerBee: "Uh huh."

Phone Guy: "I work construction and shit, but with winter coming there won't be as much work and shit. So I'm just calling places looking for a job and shit."


What is that?!? I mean, besides weirdly funny. And shit.

Tagged

Alisa tagged me to post six random things about myself. Here goes!

1. I have tasted more wine in the past two days than I usually drink in a month. After leaving my conference, Hubby and I came to Oregon Wine Country for a a few days before heading home tomorrow. I should probably also mention that I've eaten more calories in three days than any normal person should consume in three weeks. Gluttony at its best (or worst!) to be sure.

2. I am a total klutz. Typically I fall up (or down, sometimes) the stairs in our house at least weekly. I also whack my thighs, hips, and knees into random desks, walls, counters, and chairs almost daily. I once fell completely down in forward roll fashion at a 4-mile Turkey Trot. By the end of the day my right ankle was as big as my head, and completely black. Oh yeah, and then there is that time I fell down the stairs at the restaurant where my date took me before the Christmas Dance my junior year. The dress ended up somewhere around my chin. Hmmm...and then there's the year I was putting lights on the Christmas tree and both the stepladder and myself ended up in it. Oy. I should probably stop now.

3. Some random things that never fail to make me smile: round hay bales, pine trees, rainbows (we saw one yesterday!), butterflies, a Louis Armstrong song, a pumpkin patch, farmers markets, babies that smell like Baby Magic, the changing leaves of autumn, and the way those leaves smell and crunch under your feet.

4. My most favorite thing to do when I was a kid was ride my bike even though I think I wrecked it a lot (see #2).

5. Incredibly, despite the klutz factor....I spent two years as a professional circus performer, living in California and Florida. It was a total blast. I also toured all over Indiana with a mud show. Somehow by then, though, when I took my elephant-stinking fishnets off at night the job didn't seem nearly as glamorous as I originally thought. Luckily I figured all that out before it was too late to go back and finish college.

6. I have a really hard time doing nothing. I can't watch t.v. without also working on my laptop. I don't make dinner without cleaning the kitchen, or sorting mail or looking at a magazine. I constantly multi-task, even when it is totally unnecessary and I should just SIT DOWN AND CHILL. Like right now...my last night of vacation!

I tag HALEY! :)

Oh, Deer

So here I am in Sunriver at my conference. Our meetings take place at the Big House, and we're all staying in cabins a few miles away. Apparently, Sunriver is a "planned city" or something like that in which the houses are all on circles and there are miles of bike paths connecting them. It's actually quite cool.

This afternoon we had a couple of hours for "free time." The weather was beautiful, and I thought a nice easy bicycle ride might work some of the lactic acid out of my aching quads. I ride one of the crazy fat-tired bikes (that totally reminds me of the bike in Pee Wee's Big Adventure) back to my cabin. It didn't feel great on the legs, but it wasn't too bad either.

Around 6:30 I start back for the Big House. I mount the fat-tired bike and set off on Carrie's Big Adventure in which I first ride in the wrong direction.

About 10 minutes into the ride absolutely nothing is looking familiar. Luckily there is a directional sign with a map (including bike paths) that I'm able to use to figure out I'm a dumbass. I take back off in the opposite direction. That's when I realize it is getting dark. Really. Fast.

Becoming increasingly worried that I'm going to be stuck on a bike path in the woods with no light, I have the fantastic idea that I'll just ride reallllly fast so I can hurry and get there before total darkness hits. I'm pedaling with everything my two thighs have left, which isn't much after two marathons in two weeks, but I'm giving it my best effort...breathing hard, sweating....the whole enchilada.

And this is the part of the story where I say stuff like this only happens to me. That's right. I was once voted "most likely to be hit by a falling object" simply because weird stuff like this always happens to me. As if being lost in total darkness with shredded wheat for thighs pedaling a Pee-Wee Herman bike with stupid fat tires so hard my heart might explode isn't a weird enough situation alone? A deer had to jump right in front of me.

Portland Marathon Recap

Well, I did it. After much waffling back and forth, I decided I might as well go for it and just have fun. My legs didn't bounce back from the Air Force Marathon quite as quickly as I expected (damn hills), so I started knowing it wouldn't be my best outing ever.

I lined up with the 5 hour pace group. I felt pretty good running with them through mile 15. Now I wish I had started out slower in Dayton...it really does save energy. ("banking" minutes in the first half while you feel good=mega slow down in the second half!)

Said pace group passed me on the big ass bridge because I had to walk up that big ass hill. However!! Also at the big ass bridge, I found chiarunner! Her pictures don't do her justice...she is absolutely adorable! And was still smiling and having a good time despite having started her day with a flat tire, tummy trouble, and was limping along on a sore foot.

I'm at a my conference in Sunriver now and breakfast is in a few. So here is the bottom line:

The good: Finishing in 5:14 with totally dead legs, two weeks after Air Force (uh, never again. How do those ultra marathoners DO that???) Getting to run with chiarunner,and then seeing her again at the finish. Awesome job, Che!!!

The bad: The weather. Total constant drizzle. Blech. Not thinking to take a picture of Che after finishing her first marathon. Had the camera and everything. :(

The ugly: One lost toenail and an unbelievable rub from the brief of my shorts. Yeah, THERE. Owie.

{And thanks to all the bloggy buddies who were out there cheering!)

Meet-Up, Who Knew?

When I started blogging my motivation was to record the hilarious things that happen at the Assisted Living Facility where I work....not once did I think I would actually meet people!

Last night, some bloggers who live in Portland as well as some others who are in town for the marathon met up. (Of course Hubby and I were late because we had to watch the debate first. Taralyn wouldn't have had anything to talk to us about otherwise!)

It was really fun, even if my choice of footwear was disparaged (j/k Gazelle! Really!). Here's the roll call:

P.O.M. (and her friend from Denver)
Junk Miles
HTC
Gazelle
Ambitious Aspirations
Running Stories
Unfortunately, Chiarunner didn't make it. Jetlag bites.

It is so interesting that all these random people, (who would otherwise have never known the others existed) with different personalities, lives, and regional experiences, should meet up and share conversation for awhile simply because we all run.

Yet another benefit of running I had not yet discovered.

Outta Here

We're headed to Portland in the morning! Hopefully we'll get to meet up with some other great blogger-runners while we're out there. So fun! We'll be in Oregon through October 11th....just so no one thinks I got lost somewhere on the marathon course if I don't have the opportunity to post a race recap right away.

Freddie sang "I Love You Truly" to me when I left tonight and said he would count the days until I get back to work. Awwwwwww. I so love my job.

Hasta!